My Boy now in heaven

I am writing this now in preparation for making one of the most heartbreaking and unselfish decisions of my life because I am unwilling to watch my baby boy suffer. We have been together for close on 13 years, and through some of the hardest times of my life.  He adopted me (he just showed up on my doorstep one day), approximately 6 months after my husband died.  He sat on my husband’s grave for long periods of time even though they never met, at least not in this lifetime.

I knew it would come one day but nothing can really prepare you for this.

My beautiful boy Ben has reached the time of his life where he is suddenly old!!

Over the past few days his arthritis has flared up to the extent that he is finding it very difficult and tiring to walk.  We have been visiting the pond most of the time now, (he is too lame to walk as far as the river these days), but even in doing that he has to stop and take rests here and there.  It is so painful for me to see him limping along when not so long ago he was trotting along the street  like a young pup even though he is approximately 14 years old.

I am planning a visit to the vet in a couple of days, hoping to get him some acupuncture treatments.  In the meantime I am feeding him a cocktail of holistic, herbal remedies, which unlike most dogs he eats the pills or whatever straight out of the dish.  Some of which I know for a fact taste awful.  He just chews up the pills and sucks up liquid medicine like it was food!!!  I’ve never seen any animal do this before.  (It sure beats having to drop it down his throat).

This will be a short post but cathartic for me.  It is helping me adjust and accept what I am going to have to do, if I am lucky, maybe in a few months, otherwise sooner.

I have cried and cried, the tears fall as I type this, but I know it will help me when that awful moment arrives.

——————-

“Once upon a time there was a young dog  who decided all by himself that he didn’t want to stay with the family he had been born to.  He had lots of brothers and sisters and was never allowed inside the house.  One day he decided to look for a new home. 

He found the home of an older lady just up the hill who had recently lost her husband and was lonely;  he just showed up by the front door one morning  just in time for the lady to arise from her sleep.  She looked at him through the screen door; he was all excited, butt wagging (he didn’t have a tail) and smiling a big smile.  The lady invited him in but he was a bit wary at first, though it didn’t take long before he decided it was safe and entered the home.

This was the beginning of a long relationship between the lady and the dog.   The following morning she took him for a walk to the local store  on a leash.  On their arrival back home there was a telephone call from a young girl who called herself Terri.  She said that she had seen us walking;  her and her parents had been the dog’s owner before he decided to look for a new one – that she had called the dog “Karma”.  The lady caught her breath in anticipation of what the girl was going to say – she needn’t have worried, Terri was a nice girl and told the lady it was OK, that she could keep him, she said “he chose you”.

The lady named the dog Ben

The dog was very special ; the ashes of the lady’s husband were buried under a tree on her property and that was where Ben chose as his spot, he sat there day after day, hour after hour for several months.

He was a daredevil – he made friends with  everyone he met.  Quite often one of his siblings would visit (they just lived down the road from us).  When that happened they would venture out together, who knows where?  All the lady knew was that frequently she got a telephone call in the early hours of the morning from a stranger asking if she had lost a dog.  The calls came from all over the area, Cliff Castle Casino in Camp Verde, Cornville and all sorts of places.  The stranger on the telephone always brought him back.   Sometimes Ben and his sibling would just go visit the creek because he would come back soaking wet. 

He was such a happy-go-lucky dog, always smiling, always ready to befriend new people.

It is now 13 years later;  the lady and Ben have been inseparable – they moved from the desert property that Ben had adopted her at.  He really didn’t care as long as he was with his owner although he didn’t care for the fences.  He was used to open range so that he could come and go as he pleased, although he was much older now and a little arthritic.  His hearing was also impaired although he didn’t seem to care about that.

Now he is unable to walk properly!!! he is getting an X ray today but it doesn’t look good.

This may be the end of the road for Ben.  He has been and of course still is the most wonderful dog, inside and out.

The lady is preparing herself for the worst

The lady is me”.

After several weeks of reprieve, Ben was feeling a lot better having been given some anti inflammatory medicine, he is now worse again, so much so that he can hardly put his leg down onto the ground.  The time has come as I knew it would and I have to do it quickly.  I can hardly stand to watch him and he is not happy now, I see that.  Sharing all of this with all of you helps me.

In the next few days my Ben will be in doggy heaven – he has had a wonderful life.

The fateful day came on or around July 11; I just could not bring myself to let him go on any longer.  He had at last lost the zest for life.  A very kind neighbor took me and Ben to the vet to be put out of his misery. We brought his body home, dug a hole and buried my baby boy in it.  It was almost the hardest day of my life.

However a few days later a friend took me to the local animal shelter and there I fell for a little girl, beagle/spaniel.

I could not imagine living without a dog in my life so I adopted her.  She is a sweet little girl, just about 1 yr old; her name is Gracie and completely unlike my Ben.

She will never be Ben, no dog ever could be for me, but she is good company.

My new little friend

Filed under: death of a loved one, grief counseling, love, Love and the passing of a pet, spiritual growth Tagged: love of our pets, passing of a pet, pets ]]> http://bennyville.wordpress.com/2011/05/29/preparing-myself-before-making-a-heartbreaking-decision/feed/ 2 34.739188 -112.009879 34.739188 -112.009879 queenie ben Gracie http://bennyville.wordpress.com/2010/07/03/new-beginnings/ http://bennyville.wordpress.com/2010/07/03/new-beginnings/#comments Sat, 03 Jul 2010 18:55:17 +0000 Linda http://bennyville.wordpress.com/?p=360 ]]>

My Boy

Hi Folks

Sorry about the silence but I saw no point in writing about nothing.

My new beginnings are gradually taking shape; after 3 months of being in my new home, getting accustomed to the house, sharing and finding my way around the bus system I have made one of my most important goals come to fruition.

For a very long time I had planned on starting a discussion group.

I eventually got around to placing an ad in our local free newspaper, in the announcements column.  I had no idea what kind of reaction I would get, if any.  I was very encouraged after 1 week’s ad I received several inquiries from interested individuals.

The group is due to start on Tuesday, July 13th at 6.00pm.  I am excited to say there are several people who are due to attend.  The other goals were to join, or re-join an art association/club and other group.   This I have also done and I’m happy to say some of the members of the other groups are planning on attending my new discussion group.

It all seems to be coming together quite well. I even have a friend down the road from me who Ben and I go to the river with every other day.  This friend  has even begun to give me some paid editing work which is working out well for both of us.  And now we are trading expertise.  I am doing his editing and he is doing a couple of jobs for me here at the house.  It seems to be working well for both of us.

The discussion group went well on Tuesday with eleven people in attendance.  Some of them were friends from other groups, some were unknown to me except for a brief telephone conversation beforehand.  It was a nice mix and even though at times I wasn’t sure how it was going, I had some good feedback as they were leaving.

I guess the real test will come next Tuesday when we are due to meet again; I will see how many returnees I get.

I’ve made a couple of new friends and I have nothing but positive feelings about my new beginning.

As an update on the discussion group, it seems to have fizzled down to 3 or 4 of us.  I think this is pretty normal for these types of groups, however I also think I was so focused on not controlling the discussion,  I went in the complete other direction and didn’t lead at all.  I must find a way of starting the discussion on a topic and then letting it go.  Hopefully that will take root!!

Bird Life at the Pond

Geese in Pond

For those who have previously read my posts on this blog and may or may not be wondering where a couple of them have gone – the answer is I deleted them – why, because the opinions I had came from my ego.

I have no right to inflict my opinions on anyone.  In fact it would be a whole lot more healthy for me not to have opinions on anything!!

Now, having said all that I am a little upset – every two days I take my boy Ben for a walk to the pond which is close to where I live.  Its a little reminiscent of a little nature preserve – geese, ducks and swans, as well as a myriad of other birds and sea life inhabit the place.  Is it any wonder I am upset when I see trash dumped, all kinds including beer/soda cans, lunch boxes/bags and fishing line all caught up in the bushes that the geese and ducks inhabit.

A friend was telling me one day she was there and saw a duck with a fishing hook caught in its throat!!!  Is it any wonder that I am upset?  Especially after watching a program on PBS last night regarding the awful BP spill.

I can’t help wonder how it is that so many people only appear to care about themselves and what “they” themselves see.  Do they not see the bigger picture?  The environment and animal/bird life is going to affect everyone – themselves, their children and their grandchildren.  Not to mention all the rest of the earth’s populace.

I apologize if this sounds judgmental or opinionated – I don’t mean to – I just needed to let off steam!!!

When we were young

After watching Dr. Phil show last night (Feb 12) where he invited people to share their first date experiences, in view of the fact that it is yet another Valentines Day I thought I would do just that right here.

It was a long time ago, April 1966 in fact when I met Harvey.

Our first date was a visit to the local movie theater.

For those of you who are reading this from England, the Cinema was the Odeon in Barking, Barking being a town in Essex and has absolutely nothing to do with dogs!!

We had arranged to meet outside and we rode the bus from our respective homes not more than about 15 minutes away.

Wouldn’t you know it, it poured with rain on the evening of the date.  I had bought new navy blue shoes   especially for the occasion, with a handbag to match.  By the time I reached the theater my feet were squelching in water; in fact we were both absolutely soaked and looked a complete mess.

But rather than put us off, I think that first inauspicious date cemented our relationship; it certainly caused us and our friends and relatives a lot of laughter for years to come.  Even now, although Harvey passed almost 12 years ago, it does still make me laugh when I think about it.  We were married almost 30 years and had two daughters, so that first date couldn’t have done too much harm could it??

In the beginning

Over 5 inches in less than a week – I do believe that is a record.

I was beginning to think that Ben and I were going to float away down the hill.  Of course we are still here, safe and sound.  One of the great benefits of living on a hill is we don’t get flooded, unlike some of the low lying areas.  I used to think it would be nice to live by the creek or river but abruptly changed my mind when I witnessed damage caused by flooding !

The creeks actually have water!!  Now that is a novelty.

Mingus Mountain with snow

The snowy shot is a spectacular view from my property.

It isn’t too often that I get a view of snow like this from my own yard.

I can almost hear hysterical laughter from those of you who get buried in that wet, white stuff – but in this neck of the woods the winters are so mild that it is quite a novelty to see this.

Of course if you want snow you only need drive 45 minutes to Flagstaff where you will find much snow, if that’s what turns you on.  And Prescott is not far either, you will find snow there too although not as much as Flagstaff.

I have to admit to a certain self-satisfaction and a little chuckle when I hear on the news people all over the Country scraping ice of their vehicles before going to work in the mornings.

That is a very rare sight here.

Personally I prefer to look at snow from afar and admire.

Pretty isn’t it?  Well I thought so!!

According to the weather forecast the storms are leaving for the moment.

In the meantime I will enjoy the fantastic sunsets as they happen.

I will post more news when there is something newsworthy.

Today I went down to my local creek,  Dry Beaver Creek.  Its name describes it to a tee, that is, usually.

Today however  it was WET, lots and lots of beautiful running water.

Not so dry, Dry Beaver Creek

As I was wandering along towards where the creek is, I heard this uncommon yet lovely sound of rushing water.  I considered what it might be and shrugged it off, but yes, there it was in all its glory -  rushing water.

Even Ben was surprised and I think very happy;  its been a long time since I saw it this way.

Then we had a little more rain, about another inch I think.  Someone told me its been one of the wettest winters on record.

It certainly has been a very strange winter; right now (Thursday, February 18) the temperature outside is probably in the mid to high 60′s.  It has been that way for a couple of weeks.  Gorgeous.

I remember one Spring I had a carpet of wildflowers on my property.  The east side was  purple and the west side was yellow.  Amazing.  That hasn’t happened since and I’m wondering if maybe we had a wet winter that year too, to bring all those flowers out.  If so, maybe this year it’ll happen again.

Here’s hoping

Ben enjoying the water

Sorry about the delay in this journal but the dream happened, I sold my place and  I am now living in Cottonwood.

See below my new home.

I think it is interesting seeing a property change from a sad looking place to a happy and fresh look.
This is what has been going on here in my new home.

This poor little house was in such a pitiful state before; it needed a great deal of TLC not to mention money!!

Here are some before and after pics:-

Approach to Living Room before

Living Room after

Kitchen before

Kitchen after

After a stressful few weeks, selling and buying and having the new house renovated to such an extent that it is virtually new inside and out, things have now settled down and I am able to get to know my way around a little bit.

Ben and I rode the bus for the first time a few days ago; we went to the river.  He behaved beautifully on the bus – even the driver commented on how well behaved he was.  He wasn’t too sure about the steps at first, being rather old and arthritic, he doesn’t really like steps too much these days, but he was OK.  It was the first time for three weeks that Ben was able to play in the water and not be leashed.  Poor thing, he’s lost his freedom.

Exterior of house before

No more circling the property every morning or wandering the desert!!  Instead we walk to the pond which is only about 5 minutes away – he gets to see geese, ducks and all sorts of other birds and foul.  I think he finds it very interesting although of course he can’t go far being leashed (its the law!!).  I know he must find it frustrating but that’s why I have to try to

Exterior of House after

get him to the river as much as I can; thankfully I was shown the way to the river.  Just a 15 minute walk and paradise.

Ben gets to investigate and do his favorite things, getting himself nice and dirty so that he can bring it all back with him and drop it on my floors!!  Oh well, he’s happy and its not so difficult to clean being tiled floors. And I’m happy because I can sit and meditate and just “be” while Ben is doing his thing.

Its so worth it to see his little face so happy.

At the river with Shadow, Ben's new girlfriend

Geese in Pond

I had been aware of the function of Hospice Care for years but this was the first time I was directly affected.  One day while my husband was in the hospital and fully aware of what was going on, a lady appeared at his hospital room.  She introduced herself as a hospice worker – that was a shock for my husband; he also knew what the hospice movement did – up to that point he had either been in denial regarding his imminent death, or had genuinely not realized that he was terminally ill – I’m not sure which was the truth of the matter.

Following his discharge from the Hospital, he came home to a previously organized visitation program by the Hospice organization and helped me get and install a hospital bed for him.

This was the beginning of an eye opening experience, both for me and my immediate family.

As I already said I had been aware of the Hospice movement for many years but I had no idea how much I was to depend on them or how thankful I would be that they were there.

My husband’s tumor was in the brain and it was a particularly aggressive one; it wasn’t long before his body started to break down – he became unable to control his bodily functions and pain became a huge factor.  The Hospice organization provided on-going care, 7 days a week, 24 hours a day.  They visited every day, (although they made it clear that if I needed them at any time all I had to do was call and someone would be there for us), supplying pain medication in increasing amounts to try to keep the pain under control, which became more and more difficult as time went on.

The inevitable happened, one morning he just didn’t wake up – mercifully he passed in his sleep; I called Hospice who came bringing a doctor.  They organized everything – I was in a complete whirl – it seemed like everything was going on around me but I was unaware of it all – I was in a fog.

Hospice just took over, thankfully; they arranged with a funeral service and all the arrangements were made; they even contacted a Rabbi for me so that I could say prayers for him.

I don’t know what I would have done without them.

In my entire lifetime I will never forget their efficiency, kindness and help at that most difficult time in my entire life.

It is now 11 years since all of that but hardly a day goes by without my remembering and appreciating and thanking God for them.

Life on this earth is a journey without an end.
Nothing lasts forever – like the circle, everything revolves and/or evolves.

If we do not accept change we cannot grow.

As I glance through the many photographs taken of myself and my late husband throughout the 30 mostly very happy years we were married.  I study his face as it was then, in the UK, and later after we emigrated – I see uncertainty in his eyes and that makes me sad.

For about two years after Harvey died I behaved in a way that most people would and could not understand;  I behaved badly – spending too much time partying, shopping and generally prancing around like I had not a problem in the world!!

I remember years before, a friend of the family lost his wife after a very long and happy marriage.
His daughter, then 16 years old was upset and annoyed with him for going out with a lady so soon after her Mother had died.  After my experience I understood.

Sometimes tragedies like that turn us upside-down, causing  “abnormal” behavior.  Contrary to general opinion we don’t all immediately go into mourning; with some of us it takes a long time for reality to appear;  many of us are familiar with stories of people who have lost a loved one under suspicious circumstances – the first suspects are always the family and usually the spouses/children of the person who has passed.  Most often if the bereaved person is behaving what most people would call strangely, they are immediately under suspicion.  I certainly would have been if my husband had died in that way.

My husband, Harvey died of a brain tumor, now 11 years ago.  Once the initial few months passed my existence has mostly consisted of appreciating my land, my beloved canine friend and the few friends who are dear to me.

I live on faith and know that Spirit will provide me with what I need when I need it. He never lets me down although I constantly have to remind myself of this and sometimes it seems a very lonely existence.

I now believe in living life day to day; no more do I concern myself with long term goals, possessions or fear of death.

Above all else I listen to my inner voice and try very hard not to worry about petty things – that battle is on-going.
I still have a great deal of work to do on myself.  Just when I think I am getting somewhere, I take several steps back – it seems that is the way of it.